letters to nobody #1: lost light

darling nobody,

i have never been more afraid.

i do not want to leave. it feels like i can't: like i'm pushing against a band of elastic, trying to be free, but i keep falling back onto the mud where i belong.

i don't like it. it's all pointless. going away is pointless, staying is pointless.

if you don't leave now, you will never be able to– but there is only fear in my stomach; fear, and homesickness that has made itself at home already. i haven't even gone away yet.

i cried myself to sleep last night. it was bitter sobbing– my face all scrunched up, as i choked on my own breath. i cried for everything i'm about to lose, for everything i've already lost and will never get back. i know i made the choice to leave, but i don't know if it's the right choice. i'm hoping things will get clearer as time passes. right now, i don't know what's on the other side. i can't even see the other side.

when i was younger, my mother told me that one thought that we think everyday comes true. i was terrified. i always found it hard to keep the negative thoughts at bay, and everytime i thought of something dark, i'd regret it instantly, and spend the whole day wishing it away. now, when i look back, i realize that it was an attempt to stop me from thinking negatively. and it worked, to an extent. in fact, i wish i still believed it– maybe i'd still consciously try to think positively. maybe i do still believe it. maybe she's right. i think thousands of thoughts in a day– one of them is bound to come true. and maybe when i go away, i'll come back a better person.

i thought i'd lost all my feelings forever– but here i am, being melodramatic. i know people have it worse. i know that my going away is for the better, it's an opportunity that little get. i know i'm too worked up over things that don't matter. but the pain in my chest doesn't know all of this, and it stays, relentless.

darling nobody,

how much i love my family overwhelms me sometimes. i can't put it into words today, and i don't think i'll ever be able to. i'm lost without them, but i want to find myself.

i can't see the stars or the moon or the sun from where i am. i hope to find the light, and i hope the light finds me.

x