letters to nobody #10: flor de muertos

darling nobody,

death has always been my biggest fear- and i don’t think that will ever change. when i was six, i would try to imagine what it would be like to be dead- to cease to exist. i would lie in bed, and try to imagine what it would feel like to not feel anything. like floating. it terrified me.

dia de los muertos or the day of the dead is a mexican tradition that grows on me quite easily. my incurable fear of death does not stop me from admiring those who accept it- and even welcome it with open arms. mexicans are unusually positive about death, and everything to do with it.

as my host mother tells me, “it’s the only thing that you know is going to happen for sure.”

it scares me more than i will ever admit.

it was the mayans who had a traditional ball game that they played for two weeks. there was a little twist, though: the team that won the game would have the honour of being beheaded, and sacrificed to the gods above.  

dia de los muertos too, was originally, a day of sacrificing people. the day of the dead was a day of creating death, rather than honouring it.

the spanish found this tradition barbaric- and had it changed. dia de los muertos became a day of honouring the dead.  

dia de los muertos is celebrated on the 1^st and 2^nd of november. the 1^st of november is to remember the departed souls of children, and the 2^nd is for the adults. it is a day when these departed souls come down on earth to spend a day with their loved ones. families set up altars with names and pictures of their lost families, prepare their favourite food and create a path leading up to the altar with the flower cempasúchil or marigold- also known as flor de muertos (flower of the dead).

in the state of yucatan, families visit their lost ones in cemeteries, take their skeletons out of their coffins, and clean them. they have fiestas and picnics in cemeteries with their loved ones.

the idea of dia de los muertos, however, is not to be sad over death. it is to celebrate life.

as much as i love dia de los muertos, i know it’s not for me. the idea that one year, you could be celebrating dia de muertos, remembering your lost ones- and the next year, you could be one of the photograph on the altar, is enough to keep me awake for several nights.

coffee, the sick cat, seems determined to outlive dia de los muertos, my host mother tells me one day, we thought we’d have his picture up on the altar this year but he’s not giving up.

he cannot move at all, cannot make a sound- but is struggling through it all.

a few days after dia de los muertos, my host mother takes a beautiful picture of coffee, face raised, blue eyes blearily looking at the camera.

for next year, she says- and i understand.

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on the 30^th of october, i have plans to go to the festival of dia de los muertos in xcaret, a famous ecological park. the festival happens every year, and has several events and performances, along with fairs and beautiful places to see.

i spend two whole weeks being excited for this day, which will be followed by a five-day long trip to valladolid, yucatan with the other exchange students. what i don’t look forward to, though, is changing my host family two days after returning from the trip. yes, the time to change to my second host family is almost here, and i dread it.

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october 30^th arrives, and i have about half an hour after school to take a shower, and get ready. we’re supposed to wear black, preferably, and paint our faces traditionally.

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xcaret, as expected, stuns me. we start with the food, of course. i buy myself esquite and churros, and then my host brother, sean and i head to watch a mayan dance in a sort of amphitheatre- a dance that starts out innocent enough before one of the characters dancing falls onto the floor to his death. the cheery music continues to play in the background and the other mayans skip and dance as they cover him in gifts. it begins to give me goose bumps- there’s something eerie about how happy the music is.

a few days later, i hear the same music playing at a party and shake my head, trying to ignore the chills i have.

we wander around more after this, looking at the stalls and displays. i buy myself blue cotton candy, and am more than content with my life.

we go to a pretend-cemetery with replicas of beautiful graves from around mexico. i am excited, snapping pictures of every beautiful gravestone.

“if you’re going to continue taking photos of every gravestone, you’re going to end up taking 365 photos,” my host brother tells me with a grin.

i sigh, and put my phone down.

we then go to watch a zakateca music show, played on a traditional instrument that i never learn the name of- and i genuinely enjoy it way more than i expect to.

while i have always loved instrumental music, i can never lose myself to it as with songs. this, however, is different. as pretentious as it sounds, i feel like i am the music and the music is me. i almost want to beg to stay when my family says it’s time to leave- but i don’t, and for good reason.

we’re going to watch the maya ball game.

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the ball game is in the amphitheatre, nothing like i expected it to be.

i expected something like basketball, but it turns out to be more of a rehearsed dance performance accompanied by a rehearsed and intense ball game that sends shivers down my spine.

in fact, i don’t understand most of the game as it is in spanish.

what i do understand is when they set fire to a rope that stretches across the entire stage, and suddenly, the stage is glowing, burning with fire and i know i’m meant to be enjoying the show, i know it’s all rehearsed and there are safety measures: but i can’t stop thinking about the possibility of the entire amphitheatre burning down, with all the people in it, what would happen if the fire touched one unpredicted surface.

well, one thing’s for sure: the mayans from thousands of years ago would be happy.

darling nobody,

i’m laughing now as i try to think of what i could say to you, in conclusion. here’s the only thing i’ve come up with yet: it’ll be several days of the dead before my feelings for you are dead.

x

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