what stars are made of

on rainy days like this, my heart feels full of everything and nothing at all and it almost bleeds but it cries instead and i stumble when i stand so i fall. and when you come, it's in a rush like the wind and i never see it, don't see what you're going to mean to me you're invisible, i'm still on the cold ground i'm a flightless bird flapping my wings against the wind until i'm nothing at all, until i'm still and unmoving. and my skies slowly turn from grey to blue i never saw you coming, never thought i'd love you. and i'm in the midst of a battle the sun sinks low i'm watching as you fight watching as my armour falls watching as a fire rises from nothing at all. i tell myself in whispers at midnight that you're not a mistake it's not hard to believe it when everything's so vivid and bright we're golden– no sorrows, no ache. and when you leave, you leave your scarf and coat behind and the...

darling nobody, death has always been my biggest fear- and i don’t think that will ever change. when i was six, i would try to imagine what it would be like to be dead- to cease to exist. i would lie in bed, and try to imagine what it would feel like to not feel anything. like floating. it terrified me. dia de los muertos or the day of the dead is a mexican tradition that grows on me quite easily. my incurable fear of death does not stop me from admiring those who accept it- and even welcome it with open arms. mexicans are unusually positive about death, and everything to do with it. as my host mother tells me, “it’s the only thing that you know is going to happen for sure.” it scares me more than i will ever admit. it was the mayans who had a traditional ball game that they played for two weeks. there was a little twist, though: the team that won the game would have the honour of being beheaded, and sacrificed to the gods above.   dia de los muertos too, wa...

i'm something stuck between your teeth  and lost and nothing more  you found yourself three years ago  it makes no sense to hold me close.  i play with the shadows that follow you in the dark  and tell myself it's you  but it never will be.  and it never will be okay–  life will come crashing down on me again  and i will crumble, fall as you watch:  i've been seen,  left unseen.  we listen to the same music  but we listen to it when we're far apart  and it doesn't remind us of each other,  even though i wish it did  because everything reminds me of you these days–  it's pathetic, i've been told  to leave you alone and fly away.  if it was up to me  i'd love to believe  that you, too, are a little lost  a little unhappy, a little messed up in the head i'd believe that you think of me sometimes  and know in my heart tha...

darling nobody, the next few days are pure bliss. i blend into my new family perfectly: i am happy, my mental health is soaring, i manage to be productive and i also spend time with my new family, something that i enjoy doing very much. i already dread moving away from here: i know that this is the family for me, and this feeling never changes in the next few weeks. my host parents are warm and welcoming: i enjoy talking to them more than anything, and ask them questions about everything under the sun- that they are patient enough to answer. something unexpected that happens in the house is that i begin to like cats. like, in fact, is an understatement, i fall utterly in love with them. as a child, i adored both cats and dogs an equal amount, but as i grew older, my love for cats began to diminish. i began to see them as angry, disloyal creatures and stopped playing with them. my family has five cats. there is patricio or pato , the fat, old orange cat with no feeli...